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Tuesday, November 8th, 2011

(kick me)

Time:12:33 am.
i just want to fall in love, like i was with you, but with someone who loves me back.

its taken months to be "okay"
i still cry for you, my heart still cant completeley let go.
but i can finally admit to myself that you were a really shitty, awful and abusive person and you chnaged, hurt and made me feel like i was nothing at all.

i still cant even think properly..

im still feeling unattractive.

i gave you my heart and in return you broke me to peices.

i went back time and time again, until i found strength from god knows where, strength to push forward a tiny little bit and be just "okay"

now, every time i meet a genuine beautiful person, i push them aside, i feel guilty and i feel sick, because its not fucking you. not a fucking guy who hated being with me anyway.fucking hell, whats wrong with me. seriously?

give me a break.

Thursday, December 2nd, 2010

(1 kicked me | kick me)

Time:12:14 am.
Mood: crushed.
so if you were my boyfriend, i would want to tell you this:

you still break my heart. every day.

I dont trust you - not because i think your cheating, but because your secretive, you make up too many excuses and you tip toe around seeing me. You also never answer my calls or txt me back, no matter how much i need you, i cant rely on you. im too scared to ask for your help because im scared you will just get angry and frown at me.

I miss the messages, the loved up bullshit and the tiny things that you usto say/do and how amazing and special you made me feel. I hate that you told me that you feel smoothered and that you dont want a full on realtionship anymore. that we had our honeymoon period and now this is just a normal relationship.

I loved the six weeks we lived together. I loved being your little wifey, cooking you dinner, making the bed and folding the washing. Im still hurt that you resent me for that.

I hate that you never answered me when I asked whats the point in staying together if you dont see yourself committing to me one day.

I hate that im just not enough for you.

I hate that when i told you I'm spending Christmas alone, you didn't even say a word. You never even showed any compassion or asked me to spend some of the day with you. I hate that I just have to except that.

I hate that you never make me feel like a part of your life. You dont ask me to come over for family things, or include me in the things that go on around you.

I hate that your the first person I wanted to tell when I bought a house and that you got angry at me for being dissapointed that you ditched on me. I hate that when I finally txt to tell you - you didnt even call. You txt me.

I hate that I tried to take you on an amazing overseas trip, but instead you txtd your friend to tell him you were over me.

I hate that I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough, that I'm not the perfect women for you and that you constantly pick out my flaws.

I hate that I have to feel unloved, unattractive and miserable.

I hate that no matter how much you see, feel or how much i tell you your hurting me, you just don't seem to care.

You have sent me so many txt messages telling me your going through a phase and that your never good in a relationship and that things are stressful and too hard. But why do I have to stand back and wait for you to get your shit together. Why do I have to cry every day and you get to do everything your own way.

Why did you stop loving me and what we had? To me, you were my perfection, you had my heart and I would have given you everything. I wanted to be with you forver, have babies, be old and stupid together.

I hate that your too scared to think about that.

I'm holding onto something that is awkward, emotionless and its breaking my heart so much.

I'm scared to break up with you because I'm scared you'll never come back, that you will fall in love with another girl and my heart will break every time I see you, hear you, or think about you.

I'm missing you Michael. I'm missing what we had. I miss hearing you yell out for me when you were asleep, I miss getting messages from you when you woke up. I'm missing waking up next to you, coming home to you. I miss calling you late at night on my way home from work or whenever i felt like it.

Im the sad :(

Friday, September 10th, 2010

(kick me)

Time:7:49 am.
Mood: nervous.
your breaking my heart and I'm stupid enough to keep taking it.

Monday, December 14th, 2009

(kick me)

Time:7:29 pm.
Mood: loved.
i walked up to a guy (Pete) at a bar three weeks ago and said "Do you want to get married" he said yes.

He got my number and the very next day I checked him in at work back through to Adelaide.

We talk everyday.

He tells me im pretty and he is really lovley.

He lives in Adelaide, I live in Melbourne.

He wants to come visit me.

Im scared of Pete, because he is really, just so sweet.

Ohh Pete, wouldnt it be amazing *sigh*

Tuesday, November 17th, 2009

(1 kicked me | kick me)

Time:9:11 am.

I just feel so lost.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.


Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

(kick me)

Time:10:56 pm.
its all just TOO MUCH.

Sunday, February 1st, 2009

(4 kicked mes | kick me)

Time:5:49 am.
Mood: amused.
it really amazes me that typical stereotype girl in a relationship. you know, the typical sitcom cliche. girl yells at boy for dumb things, sex is a chore, girl bakes, blah blah.

I just sat here at work and listened to this girl yell at her boyfriend for not coming home "early" - I dunno, maybe im just careless or worry free, but Ive always been a supporter of the individual hangout in a relationship. being with someone twenty four is exhausting and you need a break sometimes, i love hanging with my pals without my man sometimes. it makes you miss them a little, crave them, and when you get home, you jump in bed and cuddle.

Ive been a little pissed off the past few weeks, just annoyed at a few things. This economic crisis is really fucking annoying me, people arnt traveling, they are smartening up, there carrying no bags and subsequently, the airline business is suffering and my hours are being cut.

Then the heat, living in a 9ft double brick terrace home, after 3 days of over 40 degree heat with no aircon, that will test anyone.

Trav has decided to move in, which is great! Im a believer of jumping right in, why waste time on the glamour period. Im more practical than that. I knew the moment we first kissed - he's the man for me, i know romantic bullshit, but its true. We roll right together. So we are saving for a house. I have been talking about buying for ages, so we decided to do it togther. and buy a good place after a few years of saving.

Plus his emo fuckwit housemate Brett sucks.

I have found a part time job alongside Virgin, at my old work. I emailed my boss for a reference and he offered me work. I feel a little weird about going back and seeing everyone, like im stepping back or something, i dunno. is that weird?

Im doing ok for a 5am start this morning, i stayed up all night with Trav. We ate Thai with my new housemates Tash and Llyod and went out for Gelo bar - the line was ridicuosly huge, but the new burnt sugar caramel flavour was amazing. Ohh how i heart gelo bar.

Im addicted to True Blood - Fuck, I love vampire shows/movies. And this one is amazing. Its all sex and vampires. And Anna Paquin is so hot. Ive been lounging in the games room, playing xbox and watching true blood. its been amazing.

Im really missing amanda, having a new house full of two new poeple is great, but i really miss amanda, and im starting to really appreciate how amazing it was meeting her and becoming friends. Canada is so far away and my heart feels like its broken.

Apart from that, life is pretty norm. Its Travs bday on Tuesday, We are going to Perth in 2 weeks... he booked me an amazing romance package at a swanky hotel. How amazing is he, really?

i just got abused by THREE people. jesus, if you miss you flight and i only charge you fifty bucks to get the the next service, count yourself lucky i didnt make you buy a new ticket. grr.

im a fighter. bring it baby. bring it.

Monday, November 17th, 2008

(kick me)

Time:12:33 pm.
Mood: angry.
Watch you on the ones and twos
Through a window in a well lit room
Become a recluse
And I blame myself cause I make things hard
and you're just trying to help
And when I wake up you're the first to call
This is one more late night basement song
and I'm so sore
My voice has gone to hell
This is one more sleepless night because we
don't believe in filler, baby
If I could I'd sit this out

(This is over when I say it's over)
This is a lesson in procrastination
I kill myself because I'm so frustrated
And every single second that I put it off
means another lonely night I gotta race the clock
(And I ignore it and it ignores me too)
What say we go and crash your car?
And every time I leave you go and lock the door
And I walk myself picking at a chip on my shoulder
I'm another day late and one year older
It's failure by design

And we just want sleep
But this night is hell
I'm sick and sunk and I blame myself
cause I make things hard and you were just trying to help
I got no gas
Winding out my gears
This is one more day on the verge of tears
And now my head hurts
And my health is a joke
And now I gotta stop cause the headphones broke
We don't believe in filler, baby
If I could I'd sit this out

(This is over when I say it's over)
This is a lesson in procrastination
I kill myself because I'm so frustrated
And every single second that I put it off
means another lonely night I gotta race the clock
(And I ignore it and it ignores me too)
What say we go and crash your car?
And every time I leave you go and lock the door
And I walk myself picking at a chip on my shoulder
I'm another day late and one year older
It's failure by design

I'm out of everything
No one sleeps till we get this shit out on the shelves
It's late, I'm faltering
This time I got nothin' to say besides...
Do Do Do. Do Do Do.
Do Do Do. Do Do Do.(nothin else matters today)
Do Do Do. Do Do Do.
Do Do Do. Do Do Do.(nothin else matters tonight)
Do Do Do. Do Do Do.
Do Do Do. Do Do Do.(nothin else matters today)
Do Do Do. Do Do Do.
Nothin to say besides...

(This is over when I say it's over)
This is a lesson in procrastination
I kill myself because I'm so frustrated
And every single second that I put it off
means another lonely night I gotta race the clock
(And I ignore it and it ignores me too)
What say we go and crash your car?
And every time I leave you go and lock the door
And I walk myself picking at a chip on my shoulder
I'm another day late and one year older
I'm a failure by design

(kick me)

Time:12:36 am.
Mood: confused.
everythng is about to change..... again.

Monday, September 22nd, 2008

(4 kicked mes | kick me)

Time:12:18 am.
tris = amazing.

Tuesday, October 16th, 2007

(13 kicked mes | kick me)

Time:8:16 pm.
Mood: tired.
I'm 23. Remember how old 23 seemed when you were little? I thought people would be traveling in air locks and I'd have five kids.

Here I am, 23. Things are... They're basically the same. I think time's running out
to do something bizarre. Somewhere around 25 bizarre becomes immature...


i've been home a couple of days, i have a sinus infection, its more like a "omg i feel like my eyes are sinking into my brain' disorder, but hey, im no doctor.

last night i watched batman, this morning i watched superman. i still claim that superman is a far better super hero than batman, although, both are incredible.

both are intelligent, sexy, classy men. clark kent is a clasic character, women fall in love with him, shy, geeky, heart for only one, lois lane. what lady wouldnt go there?

then theres the cocky, charming Bruce Wayne. Sexy, respectable, king of gotham. again, what women woudnt?

Bruce Wayne uses his brain and gadgets, but clark kent, kal-el, uses his natural abilities, he was born a super hero, with the heart to match.

Metropolis would be my ideal town to live in, exciting, and the superman to catch you if you were in any trouble.

Gotham city, rich, dark, scarey.

Then of course theres the evils, Lex Luther is a classic bad guy, real. He has that classic bad guy theory to "take over the world" No penguin men, jokers, ice men, etc.

plus, there is the down fall of having robin, and then catwomen? Superman goes at it alone.

I dunno, superman could fly you above the earth to hang out in the unverse, batman has angst.

Batman wins on one account, Alfred. But then again, Perry, Jimmy and Lois would also be awesome people to chill with everyday.

And, all clark has to do is take off the glasses and rip open his shirt, hot.

i dunno, opinions?

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007

(3 kicked mes | kick me)

Time:10:57 am.
Mood: happy.
so i get my new laptop in one week.

one more fucking week after three months of waiting. Toshiba decided to stop making the P100/400 series and instead did a upgrade of said model. Since the good guys had placed my order and promised me on several ocassions 'it will be here in a few days" and did not produce, they have offered me the new model for the already discounted price i recived on the P100/400 so I get the laptop and pay $2790 and they are throwing in the logitech gaming keyboard (with the lcd display) and mouse for free.

ohh well, heres the specs for the new laptop:

2.16GHz Intel Core 2 Duo T7400 Processor
320Gb (2x 160Gb) 5400rpm SATA Hard Drive
2Gb (1Gb + 1Gb) DDR2 667MHz RAM
17" Widescreen Display, WXGA+ (1440 x 900), with 1.3mp Webcam
DVD SuperMulti Double/Dual Layer Drive
nVidia GeForce NB7P-GS with 256Mb video memory

im pretty happy with the laptop, providng it actually comes this time.

not a whole lot to update on really, im poor, i've been working crazy hours at ge, i start my new role there on Monday, looking pretty good. Meg & Lisa are also joining Motor and Andrew had a job interview yesterday, so at least i know a few people up there!

hung out with K-Bab on Friday night, havent really had a chance to hang out with anyone latley. ate amazing food at chocolate buddha, rode the ferris wheel, watched some break dancers, took five billion photobooth photos, reminised about the old days with Dani and then got lost trying to find Jarrod♥ at some crazy pub in North Melbourne.

I even went for a drive to meltdown while jarrod♥ talked alot of drunk talk and feel alssp on the way home.

i watched "a guide to recognizing your saints' the other day and was very impressed. I also saw Shooter and was very impressed (and not only for Mark)Sunshine was also brilliant, Cillian Murphy was surprising good in the film.

Just over one month now until I go on the east coast tour, cant wait.

Saturday, March 31st, 2007

(kick me)

Time:3:13 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
i hate when people can stop for one tiny second and make you feel like fucking shit, for no reason.

fuck you, i listened to your bullshit all day and you turn around and give me attitude, your a fucking joke.

Tuesday, March 6th, 2007

(12 kicked mes | kick me)

Time:10:21 am.
Mood: annoyed.
people who have shitty boring lives annoy me today. like purposely shitty boring lives. frolicking around talking like they are boring fifty year olds out for dinner with the other people from the office, who have unwilling dragged their wives along with them.

fuck, we are younger, under the age of thirty, get the fuck out, live your life. have something interesting to say at least. jesus.

"oh hi, i earn big money and want a promotion, lets talk about health plans and investment properties"

fuck that shit, lets drink wine and talk about boys we pashed last weekend, or about britney spears mental life claiming to be the daughter of satan.

Thursday, October 26th, 2006

(kick me)

Time:3:37 am.
Noah: I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter any more, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you.

LiveJournal for xotommygun.

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You're looking at the latest 15 entries.